I believe
that each little child is like a fragile little ornament hanging on the
Christmas tree of life. Unless you don't celebrate
Christmas,
then I don't know what.
If you give man a fish, he eats for a day. But give him a magical fish that grants wishes, that would be really cool.
When I'm feeling a little blue, that's when I usually find a penny on the ground. And do you know what it says on a penny? "Liberty." That reminds me of the Statue of Liberty, which is in New York City, and I think, man, am I glad I don't live in New York City. Then I feel better.
Nothing says friendship like a bag of shaved weasels. Really.
I think you should use toothpaste to mop the kitchen. That way, you can eat off the floor and fight cavities at the same time.
If I ever were to run for president, my platform would be "snacks," because, hey, who doesn't love snacks?
As I stood there alone gazing up into the night sky, the stars seemed to spell out a message for me. "Put your pants back on." And you know, they were right.
Do you remember the "Me Decade?" I do. I watched the news all the time and I wasn't on there once. I think they should have called it "Some Other People Decade, and You're Not Really Involved."
I think we are too negative with our criminals. People are always saying, "Crime doesn't pay." I think we should be more positive. Tell them, "Hey, crime DOES pay. It pays alot. So don't worry."
Remember to remove your shoes before setting yourself on fire, because nothing smells worse than burning rubber.
I remember when my parents bought me a dog and I named it "Freedom." The next day it ran away and never came back. Maybe I should have named it "Incarcerated." Then when it ran away it would have been a little more ironic.
I think a great name to have would be Hans. Then if someone asked you your name, you could just hold up your hands. Then they would say, "Ten?" Then you would shake your head no. People are stupid sometimes.
If God really does have a big master plan for the world, I hope I'm not in charge of towels.
Some people think dogs are stupid. They're right. My dog doesn't even know anything about any Broadway shows. I have to laugh.
What I'd like to know is who's going to pay for all that Jell-O? The government? Think again, buster, It's me and you. Well, mostly you.
I think people will agree with me when I say that there is not enough research being done on chafing.
A good lucky number is 372.09. Don't use it though because it's mine.
Some people just want to put a Band-Aid on the situation. I say, hell, let it bleed, baby, let it bleed.
I'll never forget the day Uncle Ned had that big eight-point buck in his sights. Nobody moved a muscle or made a peep. He squeezed that trigger so gently…and then…BLAM! He blew that stuffed deer right off the lodge wall. Then we all laughed and had a beer.