Just a little rant about womanhood. My father called it "incoherent". My mother said otherwise.

I Am Woman, Hear Me . . .

 Okay, first off, I'm not particularly what you'd call a feminist. I like to think of myself more as a realist. I don't get terribly offended when someone calls me a member of the weaker sex because in general - physically at least - we ARE. Let's face facts. Men are born to have more body strength than we are. However that doesn't necessarily mean that I should automatically be dismissed for certain jobs or tasks that I COULD do, just cause there's a man around to do it. As for a gentleman opening doors for me I admit that it's nice and, if the gesture is expressed by the RIGHT gentleman, it can give you a bit of a rush. But I'm not an invalid so don't go trying to knock me down just to get to the door so you can open it for me.
 In general I like being a woman. There are some definite perks to pledging this sorority. For example, we got off the Titanic first. This sort of behaviour I attribute to the notion of keeping the species alive. I think it's a valid practice cause, realistically, we COULD survive without men. Don't get me wrong. I do NOT in any way want to live without men. I love men AND I love to hate ‘em for various reasons. But if there were some global catastrophe that eradicated all men from the earth (for argument's sake, we'll say that someone unleashes a virus that only kills people with "y" chromosomes) that generation of females could keep it going, meaning that if there's any sperm hangin' around in someone's freezer we could use it. That would be unfortunate though. Think of any boys produced from that generation!  They would be either the biggest players the world has ever seen or bigger Marys than Elton John. And since we women have to carry the child, it couldn't work in reverse.
 That's one beef I have with my gender. Why is it just US who have that deed to worry about? Why couldn't there be both men AND women who can bear children? I know that men aren't built for it - that's my point. Why not? Maybe someday, God willing, but it won't be any day soon I don't think with our world such as it is. And although I've never experienced childbirth myself, other than my own (and memories of that are sketchy at best), another thing that irks me is how SOME men are under the illusion that they can SHARE the birthing process with their significant other. To quote Robin Williams, "unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so."
 On a related gripe, we have to deal with our period. The rag, great-aunt Bertha's visit, riding the crimson wave, our monthly visitor, going for a ride in the white saddle, our MEN-STRU-AL cycle - no matter the euphemism, it's the same gross and at times PAINful phenomenon. To clear things up, a female bitching about something, does not automatically mean it's that time of the month. However, let's talk cramps. They could put ANYone in a bitchy mood. For God's sakes, a part of our body is sloughing off, and our muscles are contracting to oust the remains from our person. If pieces of YOUR reproductive system started sloughing off and your body was making contractions to make ‘em leave the premises, I think you'd be a little upset too.
 Next on my hit list is the whole issue of body hair. As phallically challenged individuals, we are expected to rid our bodies of hair, specifically in the areas of our legs, bikini line and arm pits. You men out there are lucky. You don't have to deal with it unless you really want to. A friend of mine once said "Yeah, but we have to shave our faces." I suppose that this is true, in your teens at least, when it isn't growing in thick enough to cover a rat's ass, but once you're older, if you don't want to, you don't have to shave (unless you're really whipped!). Society wouldn't be as forgiving to us females if we decided we wanted to forget shaving our pits, and go out wearing a tank top. For the few chicks out there who are brave enough to do it though, they're met mostly with looks of disgust. Legs too. If you want to sympathize, but don't see the big deal, try shaving your legs (and I don't mean my drag queen friends out there). Have lots of fun while it's growing back.
 Along that same vein, we are masters of the art of keeping up appearances. There's the body hair issue, then make-up. We're not required to wear it, but it's so ingrained in our culture that we may as well be. We're also supposed to make like we have no bodily functions. Imagine a girl sitting amongst her closest friends, drinking a coke, then starting to spell out the alphabet through a big belch. Not a pretty sight, but among friends, it's fine. Out in public, not so fine. No one likes it when guys do it (in public) either, but they aren't as chastised for it as we are. Another thing we do is try to wedge ourselves into tiny clothes. Marilyn Monroe wore something like a size 14. For the men who loved her in her day, I wonder what they think of skinny-minis like Calista Flockhart and Kate Moss? And BRAS! Now, I'm not a bra-burner or anything. Once you get used to them, they're not so bad. They can keep you from involuntarily playing the part of weather girl and can act as an aphrodisiac at times. But again with the wedging. We're talkin' push-up bras here. I won't fool myself. It's for the benefit of men. But are we deluding you into thinking that these sacks of milk are GRAVITY-DEFYING sacks of milk? If you buy into it, you're gonna be a little disappointed the first time you see a girl naked.
 Let me reiterate. I like being a woman. But I still like to complain bitterly about it. All I ask is a little understanding. If it still isn't happening for you, try shaving your legs or putting on make-up. Control your bodily functions in a way that would impress a movie director, telling you exactly when and where to put in an appearance. Try wedging yourself into a corset and push-up bra . . .  well, maybe not the latter, you might enjoy it. All I REALLY ask, is that you cut off an appendage or two, and when I start bitching about stuff, do NOT have the gall to say "Hmm, it must be that time of the month."