Homer = whoo hoo! beer beer beer! bed bed bed! / if anyone asks, Marge; you need 24 hours nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie's 7 people and Bart was wounded in Vietnam / oh sorry Bart, I didn't realize that you, Jay Leno and a monkey were in here bathing a clown / Marge, we're going out! if we don't come back, avenge our deaths / Dasher, Dancer . . . Prancer . . . Nixon . . . Comet, Cupid . . . Donna Dixon? / You're everywhere. You're omnivorous. [to God] / english? who needs that? I'm never going to England / a hundred bucks? for a comic book?! who drew it? Micha-ma-langelo? / three words; I am gay [trying to find a nice kiss-off for Mrs. Krebapple] / forebearance is the watchword. that triumvirate of twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve [Homer with an increased vocobu-ma-lary] / If you're happy and you know it say a swear . . .

Kent Brockman = did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? taken together, that excess blubber could fill the Grand Canyon 2/5ths of the way up. that may not sound impressive, but keep in mind, it is a very big canyon / not since this reporter's marriage to Stephanie, the weather lady, has this town been so consumed with rumour and innuendo

Troy McClure = hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. you kids might remember me from such educational films as lead paint; delicious but deadly and here comes the metric system! / hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as today we kill, tomorrow we die and Gladys the groovy mule

music salesman = I'll be frank with you Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean, you know, devastating . . .

Marge = honey, I'd like to reassure you, but right now, mommy needs a tetanus shot / One more and I get a free hystorectomy!

Woodrow = dearest Edna, I must leave you. why? I cannot say. where? you cannot know. how I will get there? I haven't decided yet. but one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name ... Edna. and so, let us part with a love that will echo through the ages -- Woodrow

Flanders = hey Bartleleeboobely, care for a steak-a-rooney?

Advertisements / Signs = when the weight of the world has got you down and you want to end your life. bills to pay, a dead-end job, and problems with the wife. but don't throw in the towel, 'cause there's a place right down the block, where you can drink you misery away. at Flaming Moe's. let's all go to Flaming Moe's, let's all go down to Flaming Moe's. when liquor in a mug, can warm you like a hug, and happiness is just a Flaming Moe away . . . happiness is just a Flaming Moe away. / Bankruptcy Schmankruptcy

Apu = I've just enrolled in a screenwriting class. I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu, pushed too far by convenience store bandits. I call it 'hands off my jerky, turkey.' / Oh! My polite indignation knows no bounds!

Lil' Vicky = self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so pissed!

Abe Simpson = I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. we are not all vibrant, fun-loving, sex maniacs. many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive

Airplane pilot = ladies and gentleman, welcome to Japan. the local time is; tomorrow.

Bart = if tv has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. it happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!

Groundskeeper Willie = [pull Willie!] I'm doin' all the pullin' ya blouse wearin' poodle walker!

Sideshow Bob Terwilliger = "oh sure. if it's one of MY plans, you can't foil it fast enough, but if it's one of CECIL's plans, then it's 'hopeless, utterly hopeless!'! [to Lisa]

epitaph = to the loving memory of Snowball I - we hope that they change your catbox in kitty heaven more often than we did down here.

Martin Prince = pick me, pick me teacher! I'm ever so smart!