Mike Bullard = do you have a favourite beatle? [to Julian Lennon]computer translator program = out of sight, out of mind = invisible idiot
Grover = near . . . . farrrr!
dancing/singing frog = hello my baby, hello my hunny, hello my rag time gal!
Ryan Stiles = I made a thong outta bamboo!
Colin Mochrie = 2 thongs don't make a tights
sign in a non-smoking section = if we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action
on a Marks & Spencer bread pudding = warning: product will be hot after heating
on a Korean kitchen knife = warning: keep out of children
on a Swedish chain saw = warning: do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals
on a ski lift in Taos N.M. = no jumping from ski lift. survivors will be prosecuted
the Barenaked Ladies = hotter than Jason's ass / we love the Regina Monologues
Dave Lubar [from it's not a bug, it's a feature] = the most useful word in any computer language is 'oops'
Charles H. Duell, director of the US patent office = everything that can be invented has been invented (1899)
Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize winner = there is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom
Harry M. Warner, Warner Bros. = who the hell wants to hear actors talk? (1927)
Nicholas Negroponte = you don't want a television with knobs marked 'volume' and 'brightness' and 'contrast'. you want a television with knobs marked 'sex' and 'violence' and 'political bias'.
H. G. Wells = the future is a race between education and catastrophe
John Cleese = you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him enter regional distribution codes in data field 92 to facilitate regression analysis on the back end
Robert X. Cringely = if the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon and explode once a year, killing everyone inside
Dave Barry = each person on the 'internet' has a unique email 'address' created by having a squirrel run across the computer keyboard . . .
J.S. Bach = it's easy to play any musical instrument; all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself
The Borg = We are the dyslexic of Borg. Prepare to have your ass-laminated!
"Laurie" = We could always talk about sadistic, necrophiliac beastiality, but that would be beating a dead horse.
G.W.Bush = If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. / The future will be better tomorrow.
Dr. Katz = There's something about death that's just . . . it's like slapstick.
Patient on Dr. Katz = [as a hippie, to Jesus] Dude, I have a bunch of sage here, could you turn it into weed? / Hey Luke, hey Mark, why don't y'all come on in? . . . Oh Lord. Oh wait, that's me! / Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-tadum Dr. Katz, Cha cha cha!
Ben = We're gonna hit the pills. / What do you have to do to be in the helping profession? [Help people?] Pssshhht. Forget it.
Director on set of "Shot in the Face" = Let's try that again. [Um, we have 20f of film left...] Okay, moving on!
Dr. Arturo = I am *not* Mr. Pavarotti. Mr. Pavarotti is an Italian. He speak-a-like-a-dis. Do I speak-a-like-a-dis? No. Why? BECAUSE I'M AN ENGLISHMAN YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!
Hal & Dewey = When we get to the garbage dump, this is what we'll see, 5 broken toilets! 4 fuzzy cheesewheels, 3 tons of maggots, 2 giant rats, and a stench that will buckle your kneeeeees!
Francis = Will you Jethros just shut up? Nobody cares how many bails of hay you can lift!; So now we know. Pigs can swim, cows can't.; This is ridiculous! When did the word faschist become such a hot button?!
Spiderman = Hey, Human Torch! What's your deal? [huh?] All you can do is light up! "Oooooh, don't commit that crime or I'll set myself on fire! [hey, shut-up Arachnerd!]