JFK = ich bin ein berliner [I am a jelly donut]

Nigel Short [King's Singers] = awesome . . . awe-some. . . I LIKE that word!

David Hyde Pierce = we're back with the [1999] emmy awards! all the laughs and the tears and the length of a telethon, only we're not helping anyone

Weird Al = and the jedi I admire most, met up with Darth Maul, now he's toast, and I'm still here and he's a ghost

David Letterman = 'USA Today' has come out with a new survey: apparently, 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population

Joan of Arc = mind if I smoke? / I don't suppose it'll fucking rain?!

Norm MacDonald = the Artist Formerly Known as Prince is now going by just 'The Artist'. despite this, I will still refer to him as 'The Fruit'

George Carlin = where are we going? and what's with this hand-basket? / if you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten / atheism is a non-prophet organization

Angelina Jolie = You're young, you're drunk, you're in bed, you have knives; shit happens.

Mike Bullard [to Ricky Martin] = Lots of people want to know... there's been lots of controversy... Are you spanish?

Nick Lea = The clothes *are* coming off now. / Ah, you're the OTHER autograph. / Gah... that's the problem with syndication. Just out of the blue you can see some of the CRAP that you did back in the day. 8... *9* years later!